The power of whims

George Clark, 18 January 2008

There was a time when I thought I was in control of what went on in my mind. These days I realise that the mind has a mind of its own and that it is (a) deeply conditioned by my particular place in time and space and (b) hard wired for 'mystical' experiences.

There was a time when my mental whims seemed to be rational and objective and prompted egoic actions. These days there is a hankering after whims which are intuitive and subjective and which evoke non-egoic, spontaneous non-action (the muse!).

There was a time when there was fire in the belly for change brought about by formal education. There was energy for busy-ness which was driven by 'right belief' in a Scottish brand of anarcho-presbyterianism. The world needed more free thinking individuals. I worked long contracts in various parts of the world and had some influence.

But things changed.

It became clear that formal education reproduces rather than changes society. I was thus part of the problem rather than part of the solution. I was trapped in an outmoded paradigm. On a whim I thus became an independent, freelance consultant living part-time in retreat where I stewed in the juices of western philosophy.

Intellectual whims drew me to existentialism and post-modernism with their associated crises and malaise. I burned out intellectually and lost the old fire in the belly. The need for mental reprogramming became urgent. There were two options.

I kept some distance from the first option - psychotherapy. Engagement with the anti-psychiatry movement made me deeply suspicious of the psyche police. In an insane world it did not make sense to be normal and well adjusted. Crazy times called for crazy solutions.

The second option was meditation. As a psychology of perception it has a long and much respected pedigree. There are many variations on the basic theme of realising the illusory nature of ego. No self, no other – only manifestations of the Oneness. Don't just notice but notice what is being noticed and stand back from it. Be in charge of what goes on in your head rather than being driven blindly by your parochial conditioning. Step into the space between stimulus and response.

I built up a library of wisdom classics which expounded variations on the perennial philosophy. But this meant herding other people's cows. There is an immense distance between 'rationally knowing about' and 'experiencing'. There were aspirations but there was a falling short.

Patiently waiting.

I now live mainly in retreat where I embrace stillness and sometimes know the peace that it brings. But the mind has a mind of its own - old habits flare up and die hard. Mindfulness illumines the dark side where demons lurk. Many that used to be hidden can now occupy the  foreground of attention. There is the uneasy transition to transcendence where mighty whims contend. It is a common pattern -

"Come to the path as humorously aware as possible of the baggage you will be bringing with you: your lacks, fantasies, failings and projections. Blend with a soaring awareness of what our true nature might be, a down-to-earth and level-headed humility, and a clear appreciation of where you are on your spiritual journey and what still remains to be understood and accomplished."
Sogyal Rinpoche (1992) The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (p131)